This one came pretty easy. Give me some feedback. I have about four edits on it. The Outpost is my muse.


An Empty Casing

She left me in the valley, near the foothills of our dreams. My burning heart is sheltered behind my leather wings. My angel is a black jacket scratched with disappointment, from the many falls I've taken on love's desolate highway. It fits me like a question: Why not touch the Infinite in a first kiss?

The collar flows into silver curls, the curls into confusion, the confusion into promises never realized. The zipper opens and closes, like a spell cast at midnight, high tide-low tide, poppy fields and crimson tinctures. In jute coils I show you how to fly. The cuffs are close to my hands, deft sonatas playing, shaping, designed to strike dawn's bitter cold at eighty miles an hour. I travel on the wind, leaving petals in my wake. They are desire's possibilities, pierced through the barrel of night, shot into the morning, annihilated in a fiery crash with a mud filled sunrise. An empty brass casing is all that remains.

 

-----signature-----

Gotta be honest Mo it comes across as a bit pretentious to me...

Poems should be relatable. Let me try:


Humungous breasts swaying free.
Make me tingle where I pee.


See? It's just that easy!

 

-----signature-----

Not too shabby Modeeb for metaphorical prose-poetry.


I cannot grab the 'angel' reference except as the jacket saving your hide during a slide on the bike, but otherwise OK.





ps: Cabby, when did you get the boob graft ?

 

-----signature-----

That is what I meant, Crack. Practice , practice , practice. I will probably never be able to get away from abstract imagery, but that is part of my voice.

cabby i can draw dirty pictures when I want. Here is Dirty Harry

 

-----signature-----

excellent mo. i wish threads had ratings.
i would give this the maximum rating.




[EDIT] my feedback is this: needs reformatting to enhance readability, flow.

i once dated an english major, she wrote a beautiful poem about the
mountains of peru. she worked and worked on it for about a year.
when she was done, not only was it a masterpiece, it was formatted such
that the text formed an abstracted mountain range.

 

-----signature-----

 

-----signature-----

youre trying too hard to force an image.


subtlety, laz.

 

-----signature-----