The following is an actual transcript of a recent show that has not been altered in any way.
(I probably made that last part up but whatever):
"Meredith Vieira is off today, but she's sure going to miss out because we have a very special guest: Chef Gordon Ramsey!
"Hi Matt, nice to see you."
"It's nice to see you too Chef Ramsey, should we .. should we invite everyone over for this segment?"
"
eah sure. Absolutely!"
"Hi Gordon!"
"Hi, it's so nice to see you Gordon!"
"Hey what's cooking?"
"Hello everyone, lol Al that's a good one."
"Ok, so now that we've got everyone together, why don't you tell us what we're going to be doing today."
"Well today Matt, we're going to be talking about dinner and I'm going to be giving some tips for everyone."
"Great, that sounds great. Let's get started. Now, what do we have here?"
"Well Matt, here we have a nice dinner. As you can see it's got a couple portions of different food, so it's a nice balanced dinner."
"mmm that looks good doesn't it!!!"
"Sure does Al! Now, a lot of our viwwers might see this meal as ... well, sort of a daunting task. What kind of tips can you give everyone to help make something like this easier to eat?"
"
es, this is something I often have a problem with, because I find that it's very messy and the vegetables can be hard to grasp, and it can be very tedious to try to eat. I'm interested in what you have to say Gordon.""Well Ann what you want to do is get yourself some silverware, so you're not trying to eat with your hands."
"Sorry don't mean to interrupt, just trying add some narrative. Now, what can our viewers expect silverware to look like?"
"Oh sure Matt, no problem at all. Sure, here we have some silverware, which are also known as utensils."
"Chef Ramsey, we all know that you're a well known and very experienced chef, so is this silverware a special kind that only chefs like yourself use?"
"No this is a very very common style of silverware, it's all very common and there's really nothing special about it. You can find silverware like this at your local grocery store or even wal-mart."
"Oh maybe even K-mart?"
"
es Al! K-mart, wal-mart, grocery stores, just general supplies stores that carry a wide variety of items.""Ann mentioned she often had a problem with a dinner like we have here today, what can she and our viewers do to alleviate this problem?"
"Well Natalie you just use silverware like we have here. It's really very simple."
"Chef Ramsey, can you explain a bit in detail how this silverware is properly used?"
"Well that's not the silverware Ann, that's a glass of water."
"Oh I'm sorry, that's for later in the segment."
"Correct. This is the silverware right here."
"Now, what you want to do is pick up the fork in your right hand, and the knife in your left hand, and you use the fork to hold down the meat so that it won't move, and you use the knife to cut a small bite sized piece off. This makes eating a dinner like this very easy."
"Oh wow this is sort of hard, but you know it does make sense."
"I sometimes find that this works very well for the steak, but I can't seem to use this method very effectively with something like corn or peas."
"Well you need to use a spoon for that Matt, a fork and knife isn't the proper utensil for smaller food like you mentioned."
"Uh, chef Ramsey, I usually do ok with a dinner like this, but after I finish eating I always end up having really messy hands and I sometimes get grease on the couch or something. Should I be using silverware?"
"
es Al, you need to use the silverware and also a napkin, which you can use to wipe your hands off with."
"Ah, that makes sense. Chef Ramsey, often times when I have dinner with my family, I'll end up having to quit eating because my mouth just gets so dry. What can I, and our viewers, do to help prevent that?"
"Sure. Well Ann, you want to have something to drink as well, that way when your mouth gets dry like you just described you can take a drink and resume eating."
"Wow these are some really useful tips Gordon!"
"Gordon, I heard a friend once say that they prefer drinking wine with their meals. This would be convenient for me because I drink usually 10 to 15 glasses of wine a day. Is it true you can drink wine instead of water?"
"
es Natalie that is correct. You can drink wine as well, that's fine. It can even bring out the flavors in food like this, and make it more enjoyable.""Are you saying that by drinking wine with food all my food will taste like wine? That sounds fabulous!"
"No Natalie, what I mean is that, depending on which wine you choose, the wine can actually complement the meal."
"My wine will pay compliments to my food? You are so silly Gordon, wine does not talk lol!"
"No, I mean that your food will still taste like food, only better."
"Ah, now that makes sense."
"Really? I had no idea."
"lol noobs"
"Well chef Ramsey we've run out of time here, but we are going to have an extended segment on our web site after the broadcast and we're going to be putting all this information on there as well, so folks at home can learn all the details. Thank you for being on the show today."
"Oh sure Matt, glad to be here. Thank you!"
"Okay coming up next, money saving made easy. Today we look at the subject of using the bathroom. How much money can you save by using your shirt instead of toilet paper? We'll look at the pros and cons and help you decide if you should cut back on using toilet paper, or quit using it altogether. Stay tuned."
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I had a dream. It was an incredible dream. When I awoke, I had a huge mess to clean up.
